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Homesick  Someone once told me that my "arse" would break before an Hermés saddle does. That is, in fact, very true. I rode with my new saddle the day I brought it back home, & despite that fact that it has the most exquisite leather I have ever seen on a saddle, the flaps are so unbelievably stiff & slippery that not even wearing mini-chaps guarantees a good grip. The good thing is that the knee-rolls are made of buffalo leather which is thicker & has more texture, so my knees were able to cling to it firmly, & the other good this is that the case is not entirely hopeless =) It would just take a bit of time, lots of riding, & lots of oiling my saddle to break its leather in the shortest time possible. I'm thinking this will probably take 4 weeks, less if I ride every day like I intend to, which brings me to my next subject: Commitment. I'm someone who takes pride in the level of commitment I put into matters in my life; career, education, social duties, relationships, & self development are to name but a few -- successfully completing milestones ignitions the drive in me to do better, more, & lift that hurdle bar higher everytime. However, it mortifies me to come face to face with the shameful truth that I -now- fall short of giving a 100% to all of those things, that over the past couple of months I've slacked off on my Spanish language lessons, for instance. My mind is cluttered by the social duties that I intentionally failed to fulfill, and well, my job? the oomph is lacking, it's just not there. Many reasons, some of which I'll be discussing below, but the truth is, causes don't matter, how I address them is what matters. More often than not, I feel the enormous pressure imposed on me by my own society. It's not so much about belonging to this part of the world that I dislike, au contraire, had I been given the option to live elsewhere in someone else's shoes; I wouldn't switch for the world, & I'm serious. I love every bit of being an Emirati, not only that, but being an Emirati from a simple Bedouin family & an unsophisticated background. Still, the irrationality of the collective-thinking of my native people drives me mad to the highest degrees of suffocation. Time and time again, middling mediocre subjects are inflated beyond perpetuity (think AED. 1,000,000 awards for Al-Yolah cultural dances), & significantly vital affairs of social development & education are marginalized and disputed to pitiful degrees of insignificance (i.e. AED. 20,000 educational excellence award for Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, & MIT post-graduates) which really provokes the perfectly justified question here: What statement are we trying to make here by giving SO much weight to the former, and de-scaling the latter? I find myself infuriated at the fact that our culture & people are ruled by convention, where to know how we ought to cope with situations today; we often look back at how our ancestors tackled them a century and a half ago stripping our judgment from all variables that ought to go into our formula of our decision. How no matter how many times we fail, we still never learn from our mistakes because we're too fixed upon our own righteousness; the 'beliefs' that have been poured into us without giving us the right to question Why, and How? How is it that a 15-year old boy has the final say whether or not his 23-year old sister should pursue a higher degree of education? Could he possibly be more mature? More knowledgable, or more experienced in life than her? Could he even comprehend "education" beyond the Simultaneous Equations of Algebra? And, how could a family alienate a perfectly eligible bachelor off of marrying their -not necessarily the epitomy of perfection- daughter for the simple fact that he does not belong to their Yassi tribe? Who are you people? really. Why is it that we think we're better than everyone else just because we were born into a family that happens to be amongst the first few tribes that have multiplied in the region. I Am One, and you know what? It saddens me that I am unable to convince my people that we are, in fact, not better than everyone else, ..that what matters really is not the last name we have coincidentally inherited, ..that essentially, it is how good we are & how good we strive to be - that we can grow past what happens to us, to conduct an adult relationship impregnated with respect above all, with compassion, and understanding, ..that someone will always be better, more intelligent and more powerful than us. What I can say now is that it kills me to see people with great potential to fall victims of the irrational thinking of their surrounding; to let go of their dreams and ALL that they could ever become just because their environment lacks flexibility and vision for all that the future would unfold. And it frustrates me to know that there is no [Brain Wash Forever] button that I could press to re-format the minds of people and re-program them with Logic! Logic! Logic! ..I feel so helpless, it makes me want to cry. I can also say that I am less legitimate to spearhead this than anyone else, because I -too- conform to the rules of society, perhaps to a lesser extent, but I do. Which is why after many months of adhering to what is acceptable and what is not; I yearn to go back to Tokyo to catch my breath, where regardless whether you're an Arab, an American, a Brit or a Mozanbiquan -you are just a foreigner. Where respect is the utmost priority in all forms of communication, & childlike restlessness and innocence are indispensable. I am tempted -with a questionable right- to say: I feel homesick. Labels: Personal Philosophy, Pony Tales $21 in my moola box | link | email this post |
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